So I’ve come to the conclusion that I really need to move out.  I have a goal of doing it before April 1^st.  I can’t continue to live in a place the way my uncle is.

A few days ago I came home and there was a message that I didn’t do a good enough job of cleaning some grout.  He started rambling about how he will never get my place fixed up because I don’t value his property.  A part of me gets really upset when he says stuff like this because I’m generally a really sensitive person.  For the first time, I didn’t dwell on it like I normally do when I get the message.  I’ve just took it as a sign.  I did find my Soft Scrub and got the really dark stuff up.  It was also used on the toilet and bathroom sink.  Yesterday I went and got some Comet and will try to see if I can lighten it up a little more.  The first is on Saturday.  I’ve decided that I’m going to clean the kitchen and bathroom up so it is spick and span in the next two days so when he gets the rent, he won’t have to complain about that.

I’ve been talking with this one person that I found from Craigslist about moving in with him and his partner.  The one guy is 27 and has 2 beagles and his partner is 21.  I have to admit, I think it would be fun to live with two dogs.  I need a animal that will come up and love me for no reason.  Hopefully I will get a chance to meet them tomorrow.  The property is located right by the light rail in Richfield which would make getting to work a snap.  It would be a little further for soccer but that’s ok.   The rent would be the same but the utility payments would be non-existent so it’s a fair trade off.  If things don’t work out I will find my own place.  If I don’t have cable so be it.  I’ll figure something out!

Last night I woke up at about 3:00 am and had to go to the bathroom.  The dream that I was having was one of those reoccurring ones that I have that I’m not sure why I have them but they pop up every so often and I remember them because they’ve happened more than once.

One that always freaks me out that I’ve had since I was really young is where I’m in the woods and it either can be with a group of people or by myself.  It’s this hiking trail and it is along a river or a stream.  We get to this one point where there are boulders on both sides and the only way to proceed is by hopping into the river and going through this like water slide that is the river.  There are rocks all over and it’s really steep.  I feel like I’m going to die or hurt myself but it has to be done.  I get into the water, and then I usually wake up half way through the chute.

There are two dreams that are similar where I find myself wandering around and get lost.  One is at my dad’s house and I go into some closet or the garage and enter a secret part of the house.  I remember there are a ton of stairs and on one of the landings there is a bedroom for myself.  The bedroom is green and I have a bunch of toys in there to play with.  There is the dream where I’m in my grandpa’s basement and I find myself in a pile of clothes and there is like a maze of them everywhere.   I am either fleeing a monster or something or I find a secret door and enter this really cool part of the house.  Everything is done really nice and there is a big screen tv and leather couches.

One dream that I used to have a lot when I was younger that went away was I was in a car with someone (before I could drive).  We are driving right by the Basilica in Minneapolis by where 94, 35W, and Lyndale do all this weaving and separate and come together.  Well we are driving to fast and we fly off the road.  I don’t know what happens because I always wake up before we hit the ground.

It’s kind of interesting that I can remember these dreams so clearly but for the most part I don’t remember other ones.  As I’m writing this I can’t even remember all the specifics to the dream from last night,  I just know that I’ve been there before.

So we played our normal pick up soccer game last night.  We had a good time as usual.  The mood was light and fun and there weren’t any injuries which is always a good thing.

One of our players invited a group of rugby players to come and join us.  I don’t think many of them had much experience in playing soccer but it was still fun.  They are a fun group of people and it’s nice that we can come together.  Especially since we are both known as football teams around the world and the sports aren’t as stupid as American Football where you run 10 yards and fall down.

It will be interesting to see if we can do more events with them.  It would be nice if we can come together bond more with other teams in the city.  The whole I scratch your back you scratch mine type theory.

So, I’m 27.  Big deal.  I remember thinking when I turned 25 that I was getting so old.  It didn’t help with my brother teasing me.  I even felt that way about 26.  It was that whole what have I done with my life doomsday scenario.  Once I turned 27 though, it wasn’t that big of a deal

My birthday isn’t until October but I just have been thinking how my outlook on life has changed a bit.  I don’t have this feeling that I should just roll over dead.  I want to get out there and try new things.  Money and time are always an issue but that feeling won’t ever go away unless I win the big lottery and can retire 2 weeks afterwards.

I would like to start taking up climbing.  There is a place in St. Paul that I would like to go but it isn’t that close.  It would be nice to find some climbing partners that I could go there with.  There are a couple of people on the soccer team that go climbing and have expressed interest in going.  It’s expensive and if I did find it as a hobby I would want to get a yearly pass.  It would be nice to have my own shoes so I didn’t have to rent as well.

The other hobby that I would like to start is judo.  It’s kind of cool that a short small guy like me can learn how to flip and throw people.  Kind of brings me back to when I wrestled for that short year.

I have a meeting on the 25^th to go back to school with the U of MN.  Its a little nerve racking that I haven’t been to school in like 5 -6 years.  The difference this time is that I have a job and know what I want to study.  Things are more interesting to me now then they were back then.  I was taking classes for the sake of taking classes, I had no direction.  My career has already started, 401K is in progress (probably not doing so hot with the current market), and 3.5 years built up.  On the way to work I figured out that I could have it finished in a year if I went full time for 3 semesters.  I’m not going to do that, but it feels so much longer to say it will take 2.5 years going part time.

So this morning was extremely cold.  I walked to the bus stop and my eyes were watering.  If only that was the worse part of it, the problem was I could feel them freezing.  It was one of the first times that I wish I would have worn goggles outside.  I can tell that I’m growing up because I used to think that people that walked outside with them looked really weird, now I don’t care.

This summer I have the opportunity of going to the BWCA with my dad.  I’ve been debating whether or now that I want to do this or not.  I went when I was younger with my dad and step mom, but I found myself doing my own thing.  It would be nice if I could go with someone else so that I would have someone to hang out with.

The last time I went to the BWCA with my dad and step mom I remember taking a canoe over to Saganaga Falls.  They weren’t the most impressive falls that I’ve seen.  Heck, you could stay in Minneapolis and go to the Minnehaha Falls to see a better one.  The thing that was surreal about it was I was in nature all by myself.  The weather was cold, damp, and windy.  Getting to the falls was easy because the wind was at my back.  When I got there I pulled the canoe up onto the shore and walked the short little portage to the other side.   I sat and watched the water flowing down and hitting the rocks.  I then worked my way back to camp.  The wind was at my face and was blowing me in the other direction.  I had to hug the shoreline because I didn’t want to be in the open water for fear of more wind out there.  It started to mist and got my face damp.  I remember feeling nervous that I might get lost or something on the way back to camp.  I told my dad and step mom where I had went but what if they couldn’t find me.  There were two large bays and then a short jaunt across a large body of open water to get back to the island that we were staying on.   I got back and it was only two hours, but I couldn’t help but feel how weird it would have been to grow up and travel alone, by canoe, and relying only on your own senses.

Wow, look at that paragraph.  Just makes you bounce right into the canoe with me that day.  I also remember canoeing back to the main camp and having my shirt off because it was hot.  I got severely sunburned and could barely sit in the car on the way back down to the cities. 

How could people not want to go camping?  It’s not the most glamorous thing to do yes.  There isn’t running water (well unless you’re by a stream), no room service, and you are sleeping on the ground and all but still.  You feel so insignificant and yet, you feel like you belong.  It’s the true way of getting away from the “real” world.  There aren’t cell phones, airplanes, or sirens.   Nothing but loons a calling and little beavers roar (and you come again the legend says like all good scouts of your – scout song from Many Point). 

I’m ready for summer and warmth!

So this week has been pretty horrible for me.  I went most of the week without my computer.  It’s amazing how addicted I am to it when I’m home.

I woke up and I had the blue screen of death.  I have no idea what happened, but there it was.  I tried to reboot the system telling me what to do but it was no use, the computer wouldn’t recognize my keyboard so I couldn’t tell it what to do.  I did the whole unplug the keyboard, unplug the computer, reboot, etc.  No such luck.

Wednesday I plugged in my old computer because I wanted to check the email accounts both for personal and for soccer.  I then logged into HP to use their online help tool.  I was chatting with someone as far as what to do.  It took forever and the person told me to do what I already had done.  Then he told me to unplug everything and plug it all in and tell him if that worked.  Well problem was I was on my old computer and I only have one monitor.  Slight issue there.  So I asked for a 1-800 number so I could call in to get support after I went to soccer.  Well, they said their would be a fee since it isn’t under warentee anymore (only 2 years old).  I asked what the fee was, and 10 minutes later the response came back 50.00.  How stupid is that amount?  It’s not like I purposley broke the computer, there weren’t any viruses, why was my computer acting up?

So Thursday I came home and was tired and basically crashed and could care less.  Although today I was able to fix it and get it rebooted.  Problem solved?  Nope, now I had a problem with the internet.  So I called in and they said to reboot the modem.  Of course since I have digital phone it cut the person off.  I’m beginning to hate that with Comcast.  Whenever there is an issue and they tell me to do something it cuts them off.  Well that worked.

In this whole mess I did buy a new keyboard that is wireless.  They don’t sell USB keyboards at the store that I went to that are with cords.  That would be too easy.  So the box came with both a keyboard and mouse that are cordless, so far they are working just fine.  I just hope nothing else breaks on my computer.

I did also make a first step into going back to college.  I called the U of MN to get some info on going back.  I have to head to St. Paul on the 25th for like an information session.  The scary thing is that when I left, I left on not so great terms.  I just dropped out mid semester without telling anyone.  My GPA at the U was a 1.4 and am under some sort of academic probation or something.  So it’s like, that was 6 years ago.  Now that I’m older I want to clean up that mess but afraid of how to do it.  A friend said that I could try and appeal it but it’s something that I messed up, but it was 6 years ago and I now know what the real world is like and want to make my life better.  Thats the thing though, if I would have gone through college and graduated, I wouldn’t have had this step, and I think I’m more driven?  I have 71 credits, only 49 to go.

If I do go to school, I think it’s time for a laptop.  I will keep both computers but think I will get rid of high speed.  Minneapolis is going wireless and I think it would be nice to use the internet anywhere in the city.  Plus I can leave my house and study since I have the distraction of my tv at home.  I know my traps and I will have to work around them!!!

This is the time of the year that I really really hate.  February just plain stinks.

One thing about Minnesota is the seasons have quite opposite temperatures and weather.  For the most part I like this feeling.  I get sick of a season if it’s too extreme.  Summer can be so hot and my body doesn’t like when it’s 90 outside.  I can get bad headaches especially in the car if it isn’t cold enough.  I feel bad for whoever rides with me because I turn it into an ice box.  I’m usually ready for winter by mid August.  Fall is a nice time of year when my allergies aren’t bothering me.  You get that nice crispness in the air.  The first snowfall is nice, especially when it’s big enough to coat the entire ground.  Everything is blanketed and looks so clean.  The best feeling has to be in spring when the temperature starts to go up.  The air is just so nice and you feel like you are on top of the world.  You have this overwhelming urge to go outside and enjoy it.  I remember last year when we played outside for the first couple of times, I was giddy it was so nice.

That leads me to this stupid part of the year.  Winter has long worn off on me.  The first two months are fine for me.  It’s nice to see the snow.  Dressing up isn’t bad.  Now everything is just ugly, depressing, and cold!  I’m sick of always being cooped up in my house or playing soccer indoors. 

Also, I have to sit and watch about how everyone is in love.  There is this stupid sign outside Macy’s that says LOVE in capital letters.  I just for once I could get a box of chocolates.  I think I’m just going to buy myself a box.

I’m hoping March is mild and April we will get our warm ups.  May will be good.

Wow, ok so here it is at 11:00 at night and I just got home a few minutes ago.  We had a soccer game at 8:15 and we lost pretty bad.  It was a miserable game, especially to a team that we should have done better against.  After the game I got to talking with two teammates. 

I had a hard time listening to them because they said that I can kick butt but that I still have a long ways to go.  It hurts because I have this urge to succeed at everything I do.  It’s weird, before the game started, the organizor and one of the refs couldn’t believe that I had only been playing a year.  They thought I had been playing longer.  So yeah, here I’m getting two messagaes.  It’s hard because I want to be awesome, and I’ve put in a year of playing 3 days a week, and yet I still mess up a lot.

I’ve always had to be good at something in my life or I get depressed.  I guess thats why I depressed in school, because I wasn’t the smartest person or hardest working person out there.  I fell under the cracks.  When I started working for an airline I really enjoyed it and knew that I was a really darn good gate agent.  The flight attendents loved having me working their flights.  Then when I went to my current company, I was a good phone banker and became a banker coach, then I moved to BPS and I was good at it.  I was processing more kits in a month than most people, and my clients and sales reps liked me.  Now I’m in a new position and I still feel like I’m not getting it after like 4 months.  The thing that I’ve been doing the longest now is soccer so it sucks when I feel like I’m not there at both of my spots.

I should be happy that we have a great group of people with the soccer team and that I helped create that, but I still can’t help feel like I’m a failure myself when it comes to my own skill.  I want to play with the all mens team and feel like an asset.  I want to be that person that people feel like they can always pass the ball to.  I want to be the person at work that knows everything.  I’m just not, and sometimes it sucks miserably for me.  I’m used to be medicore, but I also get depressed being so because I want to be better at things that I know I can be.

I could continue write more but I really should head to bed.  Another great day of work tomorrow.  Get to go be the person who makes a ton of mistakes and doesn’t know what he is doing Andrew.

 Blech, I gotta snap out of this.  Hopefully it’s just a bad dream.  I wish I had a sleeping pill so I didn’t have to listen to myself and would just be out for the night.

So I’ve been contemplating going back to school for awhile now.  I dropped out when I was in year 4.  Basically what happened was I lost all momentum and steam.  That and my depression kicked in and I just stopped going.  Unfortunately, I’m paying for it now.

So now here I am working away and kind of stuck.  I can move around my department, but I don’t think any other position makes more than what I make currently.  I haven’t seen any of them open up yet to really look and see what they make.  I figure though that I should prepare myself and think I’m in a good position right now to do it.

My job is quite boring right now.  As one person put it, ‘we are coming in for a landing at Boredom International Airport.’  (He used my love of aviation to put it to me).  There isn’t enough work to allow for a full 8 hour work day.  There are certain parts of the month that do require it but with 3 people working away, and 2 paying when there are only a few payments coming in the mail, most often I get done with my work pretty fast.   This would be the perfect job to go to school and study when I am done with everything at work.  Yes I like blogging but it doesn’t take all day to do.

I was looking at going back to the U of MN.  I went there before and I love the feeling of being on their campus.  It just makes me nervous to go back.  What do I want to do?  How long is it going to take (looked like 4 years)?  Can I afford it?  Will they have me back?

I think it might work to have it built into my review to go back to school.  The only problem with that is I would have to do it, and I would get an average score because I met my goal and didn’t exceed it.  I hate their review process, lol.

If I did it, I think I would go back in fall.  Give myself a summer of soccer.  What could be better than that?  Hopefully I won’t get injured.

Saturday my soccer team has a planning meeting set up from 5:00-7:00pm.  We have to work out some quite a bit of details ranging from summer soccer play and uniforms to traveling and fundraising.  Not quite sure we will be able to fit it all in just 2 hours.

I admit, I’m a little frustrated by some people who are always late for these things.  In the email I said to show up a few minutes early.  I don’t really understand how people can always be late.  Once in awhile fine, but when someone says that something starts at a certain time, it doesn’t mean leave at that time.

I guess I learned punctuality from my family.  I always saw employees show up late and leave early, which led to someone not being on the floor or me having to go out and work.  The worse was when we didn’t have a cook that showed up on time.  We didn’t know how to turn on the stove or the fryers.  He got fired and had some nice words for me, but such is life.

Things I would like to see are new uniforms, our own league this summer, a league starting in April (maybe have 2 teams so that way we don’t have 50 guys playing), an 11 man team, and a trip somewhere.  All of this stuff is ambitious and I’m afraid that people with migrate to other sports like last year.  We started off with huge turnouts and it fizzled the further we moved into summer.  I hope that we can make it through the summer with the same amount of people that we’ve had now.  Would be nice to average 20 people at practices this summer.  We can stay the field the whole time that way.